none of this is spoiler-y, but to set it up a bit, jen caught her coworker courtney (who is engaged to brad) fooling around with another coworker, chad, on their company cruise. this person she dubbed 'the chadifornicator.' jen just confronted courtney about the tryst and her engagement, which courtney sobbingly explained she didn't particularly want to enter into but the scene was too romantical to say no (to the engagement; she clearly enjoyed the chadifornication). enjoy.
Her eyes get watery and she begins to sniffle. I root around in my bag to find her a Kleenex. Ooh, look, I have gum!
I remember something. 'Wait, weren't you drinking mai tais with Chad at the sales conference when you hooked up?'
Courtney blows her nose while nodding yes.
'Essentially, you allowed a fruity rum punch to alter the course of your life TWICE? Oh, my God, you're such a WHORE!' This brings a fresh spate of tears. I know I should be more compassionate, but when you sleep around while wearing someone else's ring, I have trouble mustering sympathetic noises.
'Court... Court... COURTNEY! Listen to me. You have to be honest with Brad. Not later. Now. You cannot string him along anymore. It's just not right.' Courtney begins to cry huge racking sobs.
'People are looking at us. Can you please make them stop?' she begs.
'What do you expect? Acting like a whore attracts attention. They probably think you're here to go on Jerry Springer.'
'WAH!'
'Ok, Ok, I'm on it.' I look around. Although everyone from the Atlanta flight has collected their luggage, they've yet to leave. A sweaty fat man with an orange flowered vinyl bag has moved next to us to hear better. I whirl around to face him. 'Yo, Marlon Brando, yeah, with the ugly carry-on, move along. Also? Burn that bag when you get home.' I see an older woman with stop sign red hair pretending to tie her shoes. Perhaps if they weren't LOAFERS her ruse would be more credible. 'And you, Red? Aren't you old enough to know better? FYI, a six-dollar box of hair color is NOT a bargain. Get going. And the rest of you?' I sweep the crowd with an accusatory finger. 'Seriously, piss off. This does not concern you.' I stomp a pony-skinned mule and make shooing motions.
We attract the attention of airport security. An officer cautiously moves toward us and I see him pat his waist in the direction of his side arm. 'Oh, keep your polyester pants on, Rent-a-Cop,' I say, waving dismissively in his direction. 'Everything is fine. The situation is handled. My friend here is simply dealing with the ramifications of being a whore.'
HIGH-larious, i tell you. and a few paragraphs later, when jen's boyfriend picks them up, for your amusement:
'What happened to Courtney?' Fletch asks.
I sigh. 'Mai tais.'
