it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

there's a line in a halou song that says something about being nostalgic while you're still living it. great lyrics. i've certainly had moments that are awesome and then suddenly upsetting because you realize it will soon be not-so-awesome. but aside from in-the-moment nostalgia...  nothing makes a person feel more old and tired than the sweet pain of regular-old nostalgia. even when you know 'it' wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, you still yearn to have that spot, that ambiance of your life, back. and then you feel like a dweeb, because seriously, who yearns. now i'm sure you're wondering what reminded me of whatever i'm missing? fooled you! i miss all kinds of things, but nothing in particular at this moment. what got me thinking on nostalgia itself was a perfect sentence in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, which is quickly becoming my soul mate. 


i regret that i haven't read it before, or perhaps i thought i had, but i most certainly have not, because among all the brilliance and YES moments i've had with this novel (i'm barely 50 pages in, for crying out loud), this line hit me like it was cut with cocaine:

In the sunset of dissolution, everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia, even the guillotine.

good thing i was in the tub, because i had to let that one sink in. and it of course got me thinking on the tiny amount of life i've experienced, and tiny bits of stuff i know, and the insignificant, perfect moments i've had. these things shouldn't make me sad. and then i remembered a great article i read a while back that made me smile at nostalgia. it's called Do Happy: Be Your Nostalgia, by Lori Deschene. i highly recommend it. she speaks about how it's easier to live in the past than the present. what was and what could be are easier because they aren't. it goes back to the idea that between where you are and where you want to be there is a sh*t ton of work. 


but she speaks about how we shouldn't dwell because there is so much out there to be experienced, why would we bother wasting the time we have on things we've already done and places we've already been? while this is uplifting and enlightened, i still teary (like crying, not ripping) thinking on my past. 


ginsberg saw the best minds of his generation destroyed by madness. i just want to see the best minds of my generation. and allen ginsberg's generation. oh man, that would be one crazy party.